Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
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I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.