Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
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The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
What a year we’ve had this week.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Netflix and awkward silence?
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
No, he would not have.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.