Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
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[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.