Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
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Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
HOW DARE YOU
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse