I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
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911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.