So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
You Might Also Like
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
it was love at first sight
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
A friend sent me this.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*