*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
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Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
So inspired right now.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.