Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
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Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.