I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
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You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Seems a bit forward
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them