I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
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Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.