Just grow your own
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*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
one last job
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.