You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
You Might Also Like
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
#TopTip
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles