[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
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friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?