ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
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Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.