at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
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Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Finally a use for spoilers…
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…