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I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
this has done me in for some reason
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off