[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
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Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Terribly Tuesday.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I have never heard an armadillo before.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Not today
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Always 🥴
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.