How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
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“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket