Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
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I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus