Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
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Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”