CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
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I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Not my job 😂
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.