my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
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I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
My first son he is wonderful
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it