doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
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*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox