Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
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Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Dear Lord..
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?