“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
You Might Also Like
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him