Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
You Might Also Like
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones