Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
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Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
british sex workers really pound for pound
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved