[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
You Might Also Like
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
LOOOOOOL
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.