Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
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my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
These are my roll models.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?