My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
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I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Is this a threat?
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*