[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
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*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
the composer
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.