Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
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they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence