My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
You Might Also Like
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
are there any atheist mantises?
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses