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OMG 🤣🤣
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
me before I type out affect or effect
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.