do what now??
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[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
🤣😂
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”