A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
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Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.