I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
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Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.