Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
You Might Also Like
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Put the is in disheveled
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”