Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
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*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti