ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
You Might Also Like
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
I feel it
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.