Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
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There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*