“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
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I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat