gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
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Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
normalize having existential bread
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks