one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
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What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has