Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
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If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
mmm onion ringos
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row