Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
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[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.