Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
You Might Also Like
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
me after eating Cheetos
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.