[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
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*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.