I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
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Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
If a snake ate a cake
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.