Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
You Might Also Like
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?